After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
