Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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