I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
