Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
