Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
