So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
