So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
