also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize