if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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