I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
