My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You pole danced in your parka.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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