Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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