I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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