my phone needs a breathalizer
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
