I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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