She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
A+ Viking dick
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
