he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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