Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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