Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
