I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
