She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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