Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
