dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
