still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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