I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
