remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
