I'm lost and stupid without you.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I am spending my child support on dildos
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
