I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I enjoy the company of your penis
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
