upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
