I feel like abortions should bother me more
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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