apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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