Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
