Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
