I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
