why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
