Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
