3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
