im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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