I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
