I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
