cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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