my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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