I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
