That's when you crack a 10am beer
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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