Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
