i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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