just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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