I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
