i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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