i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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