I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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