why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
