remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
