its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
