So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
