I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
