The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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