can u get pink eye on your cock?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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