He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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