I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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