Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
