at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
