Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
