Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
that may or may not have been my penis.
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