Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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