Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
