My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize