Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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