I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
