Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
