i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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