I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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