Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
