In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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